Neville's Nightmare
by wyredsisters
Summary: Neville's had a nighmare that he can't remember. And now he thinks that there might be something going on between Malfoy and Hermione. Your basic D/H, but it's from Neville's point of view. This should be very interesting...
1. Neville's Nightmare

Neville's Nightmare

A/N:  Hello readers.  Welcome to our humor Draco/Hermione story.  This is a humor story, the beginning may lead you to believe otherwise.

Disclaimor:            Dispite what you think

                             I am not J.K. R.

                             No money is being made

                             So I won't be buying a car

_I was running through the halls of Hogwarts.  The reason was unknown to me, but my dream self seemed to know exactly what he was doing._

_"Draco!" someone yelled, from around the next corner.  I rounded it to see Hermione looking stricken, while a blonde and a red-head fought in the corner.  Hermione rushed forward to tear them apart, but her attempt failed._

_The blond, took a final swing at the red-head.  The red-head, flew backwards, into a glass cupboard, and fell to the ground, blood circling his head._

_The blond collapsed onto the floor in a heap.  Hermione rushed forward, to examine him.  She knelt to the ground at his side and placed her hand on his cheek.  His hand rose up and placed it-self on top of her's._

_"I love you, Hermione." he said softly._

_"And I love you, Draco." she replied._

_There were footsteps coming from around the corner, it was Madame Pomfrey.  She paused for a moment taking in the sight.  But then her eyes fell upon the red-head.  She rushed to his side, placing to fingers on his neck before her face fell.  "He's dead."_

_"What?"  Hermione said tears brimming in her eyes.  "No!"_

_Madame Pomfrey still looked slightly shaken.  "Can someone please tell me what happened?"_

_"It was me," Draco said looking down, "we were fighting, I hit him and..."_

_"I see,"  she replied taking her eyes of him and placing them on me.  For the first time, the other two noticed me as well.  "So, what's your position in this, Longbottom?"_

"NO!"  I woke up screaming, and covered in cold sweat.

"Man," came Dean's voice, "I thought Harry was the only one who had nightmares."

I turned over to attempt to sleep again.  The next morning, when Dean asked me, I couldn't remember the dream.

A/N:  Next chapter is hilarious, I promise.  Please review and make us much happier.


	2. Draco's Dentention

A/N:  Despite the somewhat serious last chapter, this isn't.  Serious, that is.  This chapter is hilarious.  Enjoy.  

Disclaimer:  Boo!  I scared you!  Because you thought we were J. K. Rowling.  But we're not!  (Or so we say...)

Chapter 2

You've all probably read a Hermione/Draco before.  You all expect about the same plot.  And, naturally, this will most likely have the same plot.  Except for one twist... You see, this is not Draco or Hermione telling this story.  I am Neville Longbottom, and I would like to tell you about my sworn enemy getting together with...er...someone else.

And it all started with a detention.  Naturally, since this is a Draco/Hermione story, you would expect the detention to be between Hermione and Draco.  You've been fooled.

In reality, I guess it all started with a potions accident.  Well, not exactly an accident.  Malfoy, the git, dropped a cupful of griffin feathers into my Dissolving Potion.  Now, a Dissolving Potion is a very dangerous mixture without adding more then necessary of one ingredient.  As a result, my potion ate through my cauldron, then through the floor, and had burned a hole that was so deep I could not see the bottom into the ground before Snape mixed together the counter-potion.

Snape, even though he is a bastard, does know what goes on in his class.  He also knew how potentially dangerous that situation could have been.  So, the bloody prat, decided to assign detention to both Malfoy and myself.

I went down to the Transfiguration Classroom where we were supposed to have the detention.  I was, of course, dreading the hours I would be there that evening, but I knew I had to go anyways.

Once, I entered however, I was in for a big surprise.  Professor McGonagal was not in there, as was her duty to watch over us this detention.  Instead, Hermione was there.

"Hermione?" I asked, very confused.

"Hi, Neville.  Professor McGoganal asked me to fill in for her in watching the detention mates today.  Didn't know you'd be here.  Do you know who else is coming?"

Not sure if I mentioned if Hermione was Head Girl or not.  She is.  Ron is Head Boy...and Quidditch Captain.  All the girls love him; everyone's very jealous.

"Hate to put you in a bad mood, but it's Malfoy.  The prick spilled griffin feathers in my potion today, remember."

"Damn, I forgot."  And with that, who should make an incredible entrance, but Draco Malfoy.

His silvery blonde hair was not slicked back as usual, but fell over his eyes in an imploring way.  His robes were abandoned for a white shirt and leather pants.  He looked incredibly sexy.

AHHH!  Wiping that thought out of my brain.  Ew, ew, ew!

"Oh, great.  I get to be babysat by the mudblood."

"Malfoy, why'd you forget the uniform.  You know I have to take of points for that.  Not that I mind," Hermione told him, before taking ten points from Slytherin.

"Despite what you may be thinking, I have an important rendezvous after this detention.  So, let's make this quick."

Without blinking, Hermione went into the tasks that Malfoy and I had to complete this evening.  Boring stuff.  You know the drill:  cleaning up something or other without magic.  Only person who ever has any original ideas for this is Filch...

Anyway, we were about and hour and a half into the detention when Malfoy made a comment.  He makes a lot of those, doesn't he?  "This seems like a normal historical thing, doesn't it Granger?"

She ignored him, but would that stop the Annoying Malfoy?  Never!

"You see, throughout history, Muggles have sought out to kill witches and wizards.  Sure, sometimes it didn't work, but the intent was still there.  This is the way Muggles have always wanted it, isn't it?  Us, the wizards, as their slaves."  He said this all in a very nonchalant voice. I found the viewpoint fascinating.  Hey!  I'm a pureblood too!

Hermione didn't seem to find it fascinating, however.  She just slapped Malfoy.

"What?  No witty come back?"

"I had rather hoped that me hitting you was enough of a come back.  Do not insult my people, Malfoy," she threatened, pulling out her wand.

"I'd like to see you try, Granger," he responded, also pulling out his wand.  "I'd love to see what you think you can do with that.  Wouldn't do much good against someone like me, would it?"

"What?  Because I'm Muggleborn I'm not as powerful?"

"No, because your so innocent you can't know all the spells I know.  Also, I'm so hot you can't think straight."

Hermione looked stunned and her eyes seemed to subconsciously move down to admire Malfoy's pants.  Malfoy, surprisingly, smirked.  I decided to move in before he would do something to her.  "Hey!  Malfoy!  Hand me that...er...rag!"

"You have all the rags, Longbottom!" Malfoy called to me, not taking his eyes of the somewhat stunned ones of Hermione.

"Yeah.  You're right."  So I threw a rag at him.  "Hey!  Malfoy!  Throw me that rag!"

"Are you off your rocker?"  He threw the rag back to me, hitting me in the head.  Of course it didn't hurt because it was a rag.  But it did divert his attention to me so Hermione could stop staring at Malfoy's pants.  

"Back to the world of the faces, Granger.   Don't worry.  I understand completely.  Weasley never did look the type to satisfy."

Ouch!  This is almost as good as wrestling.  Not to self:  Next time I have detention with Malfoy and Hermione, bring popcorn.

This isn't the point, however.  The point was how low that comment really was.  You see, Ron liked Hermione for a while.  She (gently) turned him down.  I can see why too.  She's not much into Quidditch and he's not that much into school.  Sure, they look rather cute together, but they only thing they have in common is Harry and occasionally being put into life threatening situations.  Mm...Harry...

Now, I bet you're wondering what Hermione did at this comment.  Well, she "pulled a Ron," as I like to say, and threw her wand aside and slapped him.  Again.

"You were the only one who had the nerves to do that," Malfoy said, snidely.  Makes me wonder why I called it "Pulled a Ron."  Maybe because Ron would do that if Harry didn't pull Ron back all the time.  Mm.. Harry... back on topic now.

"Get out of here," Hermione growled.

"Don't mind if I do."  And with that, Malfoy left.  He looked very graceful in case you were wondering.  Not that I noticed...Nope...

So, Hermione kicked a couple things, then left.  I thought about finishing the cleaning, but decided I could always blame it on them.  So I went back to the common room to see Harry.   Mm...Harry...

A/N:  Neville's gay, did you notice?  Hope you liked it.  We'll probably get some angry comments from Ron/Hermione people, but we just wanted to point out some faults about that whole pairing.  Like the pureblood side to the muggleborn issue.  We just knew that they had to be thinking something when they singed up for Death Eater world.


	3. Hermione's Hair

A/N:  Sorry it's taken so long.  We got caught up in our other stories. But here it is, so stop worrying.

Disclaimer: Don't own...  Don't sue... blah... blah... blah...

Chapter 3

Hermione's Hair

I opened the portrait hole as quietly as I could.  It didn't make a sound, so, I was successful.  I was about to take off Harry's...mm...Harry...Sorry.  Harry's invisibility cloak when I heard a voice from one of the couches.

Harry and I had just been meeting in the Room of Requirement.  Please don't ask.  He had snuck in about fifteen minuets before I did, so he leant me his cloak.  We don't like other people in our business.

"You really should just try to put it up sometimes," I heard the familiar voice of Ginny Weasley say.

"What?  Oh, but it always gets frizzy.  Face it.  My hair is hopeless, Gin."  It was Hermione.  Both of the girls were talking in hushed voices, so I figured it was somewhat of a closed conversation.  The only problem was, to get back into my dorm, I needed to pass by them.  And, let's face it, I'm a bit of a klutz, so I decided to stay put.  Not to listen of course.  Nope...

"So, let's talk about something else," Ginny suggested, changing the topic.  "What would you do if I poured water on your head right now?"

"Where would you get the water?" Hermione asked.  She just didn't get Ginny's somewhat strange sense of humor.

"Doesn't matter.   Just tell me what you would do."

Hermione was silent for a moment.  "Well, I'd scream."

"And then?"  A grin spread over Ginny's face.  She really loved watching other people's reactions to odd situations.

"Then you'd run."

"Because?"

"I'd be chasing you."

"Ah."

"With a knife."

"Where'd you get the knife?" Ginny asked.

"Same place you got your water."  

I bit my tongue so I wouldn't laugh.  I'd never seen Ginny bested at her own game.

"Let's talk about something else then," Ginny said pouting.

"Like what?"

And evil glint flickered in Ginny's eyes.  "Boys?"  Hermione rolled her eyes.  "Now come on.  I'll give you boys, you give me a rating, then give me a boy.  Ernie Macmillan?"

Hermione signed heavily.  "Five," she muttered, rolling her eyes again.  "Same guy."

"Seven.  I like it when he's pompous; it so cute.  Okay, Terry Boot?"

I would have given Ernie more of a four.  He's not that cute.  Looks like nothing next to Harry...mm...I guess these two just hang out with Percy so much, pompous grows on you.

This went on for a couple of minuets using the names Terry (I say six), Dean (two, ew, he looks bloody awful naked), Seamus (seven, he didn't) Harry (ten baby!), Justin (you know, I heard that he was gay, so that brings him up to three).  Then Ginny started it when she suggested Draco Malfoy.

I had to hold my breath and try not to laugh remembering Hermione gaze on Malfoy's pants.  I would probably give him an eight because he is hot.

"What?" Hermione hissed.

"Just answer," Ginny smirked.

"Well, he does have nice looking eyes, so that's two points.  I have heard that he has nice abs, so that'll give him three more.  Since I love blonds, two more points.  And he looks good in black, so I'll have to give him one more."

"So, a grand total of eight?" Ginny asked.

"No.  He's a jerk, so there goes two points right of the bat.  He's a Death Eater, so there's another four.  Oh, and he calls me a mudblood.  Throw away another point."

"So one, then?" Ginny asked.

"Yeah.  Except..."  Hermione's gaze drifted, and Ginny suddenly looked very interested.  "When he looks at you, you feel all fluttery.  You can't tell if you hate him, or if you think he's sexy.  His gaze just bores into you like a knife, sinking into you, and your not sure whether it hurts, or the pain is comforting.  And then..."

I decided I had had enough of this by then.  He wasn't that good looking.  Looks dreadful next to Harry.  I'd give him a five.  Tops.

A/N:  We have no idea what's happening in the next chapter.  Someone help us out!


	4. Perfct Plots

A/N: Bit of cussing in this one cuz it's rated PG-13 and we want to live up to that.  Young ones, close your ears!

Disclaimer:  Nope, not ours.  Promise.  Stop looking at us like that!  We really don't own anything!  Well, fine, some Starbucks cards, but that's it!

Chapter 4

I hate potions.  It's just so frightening, what with the dungeon, and the cauldrons, and the scary bits of animals.  Oh yeah, and Snape.  He's scary, too.

Anyway, when potions was over, I practically ran out of the room, like always.  I then waited for Harry to exit, and ask him if he wanted help on his Herboligy essay.  Unfortunately, before Harry had left the dungeon, Malfoy stormed out, saw me, grabbed my robes, and pulled me around a corner.  He slammed me against a wall, and looked rather threatening.  And just a tad sexy.  "What do you want, Malfoy?" I asked.

"What do I want, Longbottom?  That's a confusing question," he looked a little nervous, like he was about to throw up.  I'd never seen him look this way before.  So, I decided to take advantage of it.

"So, you've finally discovered your feelings," I said, a smirk slowly coming to my face.

Malfoy closed his eyes for a second, then opened them again, looking more unguarded.  "How did you know?"

"Well, it's obvious, isn't it.  I mean, the way you dress, the way you talk," I said.

"Wait, what does that have to-"

I cut him off.  "But you'll have to keep your feelings in check mind you.  I'm sorry, but I already have a boyfriend, so-"

Now he cut me off, which is fine because I really didn't have much to say after that anyways.  "What?  EW!  Longbottom, I swear-"

"I'm just kidding."  I smirked.  First time I've ever gotten the better of Malfoy.  "So, what do you want?"

Malfoy took a deep breath.  "I want you to spy for me."

Well, that took my by surprise.  "Huh?"

"Yeah.  Just tell me what Herm... Granger says about me."

I stared at him for a second.  A slow grin came to my face.  "Aww," I said, as if admiring a puppy.  "That's so cute!"

"Shut the fuck up, Longbottom.  You tell anyone about this, I'll kill you."

"Right.  Of course you will.  But one question.  What's in it for me?"  I sounded just like one of those muggle movies.  Very cool.  Well, I think.

"Two Galleons every time you get me good information," he said, sounded rather annoyed that he actually had to pay me.

Not bad.  I didn't mind.  "Fine with me.  Can I go?  I wouldn't want anyone to catch us in such a compromising position..." I trailed off, and Malfoy, just as expected, jumped back and hurried down the corridor.

So, now all I have to do is listen to Hermione's conversations, report back to Malfoy, and make money.  Not that hard.  I can't wait.

A/N: Neville with a bit of backbone here.  Not a common appearance, but it worked.  He's so cool.  Okay, we'll have to work on more Nevilleish behavior next time.  Cheers.


	5. Informative Information

Chapter 5

I entered the common room, prepared to start my mission.  However, to my surprise, Hermione immediately grabbed my elbow and pulled me into a corner.

Now, this was to good an opportunity to pass up.  "Hello, Hermione," I said slowly.

"Hi, Neville.  Listen, I need you to do me a favor..." she trailed off.

"Oh really.  I'm sorry, Hermione, but I really can't help you in _that _way..." I trailed off as well, but in an entirely different tone.

"What?  Do you already know what I'm going to ask?"

"As a matter of fact, it's quite obvious.  The way you stare off into space, the way you look at certain people."  I winked at her and she looked at me like I was insane.  "I'm sorry, but I'm not available at the moment.  I already have a boyfriend so..."

"What?  EW!  Neville, what's wrong with you?  Did you think that I was interested in you?  Wait!  You're gay?"  Hermione looked shocked.

"Bit slow, aren't you?  Behold the top of our class."

"Shut up, Neville.  When did you become so cocky?"

I smirked, trying to not talk about the play on words that she had just used.  "What do you really want, Hermione?"

"Well, I needed to... wait!  Who's your boyfriend."

Oh, yeah.  Oops.  Wasn't supposed to mention that to Harry's friends.  "That's not important.  What is important is your crush on Malfoy."  Ooh!  I got her there!

"Yeah, but... wait!  No!  I don't have a crush  on Malfoy."

"You fancy him!"  I then dissolved into a fit of giggles.  That's right, a fit of giggles.  Hey, I'm gay.

"Shut up, Neville.  Just do me a favor.  Can I borrow your potions text?"

Alright, that was not what I was expecting.  I thought she would ask me to spy on Malfoy, but I guess that doesn't make much sense.  "Oh.  Is that all?  Alright then.  But you do fancy Malfoy, right?"

"How did you... I mean, no."  I think Hermione's having an off day.  She's usually quite clever, you know.

"Right.  Just checking.  How much will you pay me to give you my potions text?"  Gold digger?  Me?  NO!

"What?  Pay you?  Forget it, I'll just ask Harry."

Mmm, Harry.


End file.
